Thanks LIPA (Satire)

Thanks to the Long Island Power Authority

By Amanda Kornblum

            Throughout the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, LIPA was truly sensational and indispensable in all of the help they gave the residents of Long Island. As soon as the storm ended, LIPA’s workers were eagerly waiting to get back on the roads and commence the power restoration process. It is truly miraculous how they managed to get around the four foot tsunami in the streets and the massive trees blocking every road. They were extremely generous in giving us a full twelve days with no power! They are sincerely marvelous workers.

            As soon as Sandy said her final goodbye, LIPA troops were all over town. At every coffee shop I’d just see armies of workers. I felt guilty that I wasn’t buying them all coffee or muffins! They were working so diligently I felt like I owed them the courtesy of showing my gratitude. The way people honked at them on their very short three hour breaks was absolutely disgraceful. No wonder they wouldn’t give anybody accurate answers about their estimated time of receiving power! Everybody treated them so shabbily!

It’s true that whenever Long Island residents would call the LIPA offices, even the supervisors couldn’t give people an exact date for power restoration. They were probably so overwhelmed and exhausted they didn’t know how to answer the rude, interrogating customers. Several days after the storm was totally over, fleets of LIPA trucks were still parked in the LIPA headquarters lot. They were probably hiding from the kvetching people! Who would want to help people with no appreciation? I honestly pity LIPA for all their pain and suffering, and truly feel for them. They are such hard workers. Maybe with all of their technological advances, they could’ve been trying to put the power back on from their office computers! They most definitely have the most up to date real time technology. It must be very impressive. They were always on the job through the toughest times. I look up to them.

            Surviving without power for twelve days may seem torturous, although I got so much out of all the long, tedious, frigid, and dark hours. My family was so creative that we boiled water to make the house a whole three degrees warmer! We learned the many uses of yarzheit candles and made full use of our car battery. LIPA even enabled my father’s battery to die so that he could remember to buy jumper cables next time! Another resourceful idea of ours was to hook up the fish tank filter to a neighbor’s car battery, since ours was dead. We prolonged our fish Goldie’s life by a full two days until it froze to death. That misfortune was not so depressing because Goldie was past her prime. Her death must’ve happened for a reason, because now I don’t need to wake up extra early to feed her.  LIPA was absolutely brilliant in planning things out, because I don’t need to feel culpable when my mom makes salmon for dinner, now that Goldie is gone.

            LIPA unwittingly gave the whole neighborhood a free vacation to an Amish village. All of our phones, computers, Ipad’s, and computers died, which made them completely inaccessible. Even if they had charged batteries, there was no service or Wifi. It was meant to be! We all got the fun of wearing layers upon layers of the filthiest, reworn clothes. We had no gas to drive so we got a great deal of much needed exercise by walking to do our errands. I was thrilled to be getting such great cardio workouts so frequently! LIPA gave me the full Amish experience I always dreamed of having. I want to thank them for introducing me to a whole new life style. I didn’t even have to go to Pennsylvania! Not that I would have gas to get there….

            LIPA sincerely proved themselves to be an outstanding company. When I received my estimated bill, which was six hundred dollars more then it should have been, I was thrilled to pay it. They deserve even so much more. I want to express my gratitude to LIPA for giving me a once in a lifetime opportunity. I wish every worker success, prosperity, and happiness.