Flamethrowers (Satire)

Flamethrowers

By Max Staschover

         

          Every adult over the age of 18 should be legally obligated to own a flamethrower. There are many benefits of owning one, and overall, it will make society better. The reason for this is because it will make the lives of anyone wielding this weapon easier and safer, through convenience and protection. There are many ways it will do so.

            One way that it will provide convenience is that it can be used as a tool to do things such as melting snow, lighting fireplaces, or even candle lighting. Uses like these already prove flamethrowers to be one of the most useful tools that one would be able to own. Unlike a hammer or a wrench which are small and have many uses, a flamethrower however, is huge and could only be used for a couple of jobs.  The flamethrower may also be used to heat food, as long as it’s the type of food to be preferable in the form of ashes.

            The flamethrower could also contribute to one’s survival. If someone is unable to pay for their gasoline-powered generator, a valid solution could be to just use their gasoline-powered flamethrower to warm up the house. Also a flamethrower could be used for self-defense. If a man is walking down the street, then finds himself at gunpoint, after only a couple of minutes (while the mugger waits), he could have his flamethrower on and ready for protection. Another situation where a flamethrower could even be considered vital, is if you are going camping. You could stop having to bring all those unreliable matches for your campfire, instead you could easily start an ample fire within seconds, and if you’re lucky, it could become a full-blown forest fire, which can end up being pretty helpful if you weren’t able to find a campsite.

            There are also some reasons to own this marvelous creation that will even socially stimulate society. Legally obligating each and every person over the age of 18 to own a flamethrower will cause all the firefighters to become almost flawless at their job after all the practice they will get after putting out all the new house fires resulting from this new law. The flamethrower could also be used in schools to encourage students to improve. Teachers could start giving their students a small burn every time they speak when they are not supposed to, or if they get a bad grade. This will force the children to do better in school, which will make them more successful in life, even though if after they graduate the sight of fire will most likely induce a severe panic attack that will send them to the hospital. Another social benefit would be that it would allow people to smoke cigarettes without any additional risks or consequences. With all the smoke in the air that people will be breathing in from all the fire that will be coming from all the flamethrowers, people will stop having to worry about things like emphysema or lung cancer, because they most likely already have these problems, or they are at a high risk of developing them.

            There are way too many benefits for this new law to not be implemented nationwide. Local terrorist Mohammad Kassab says, “This looks like a step in the right direction for America.” With all these highly beneficial uses of the flamethrower, it boggles the mind that this law has never been introduced before. Even if the price is a couple lethal health hazards or some environment destroying results.