Ginger Apocalypse!!
By Shanee Bareli
In
these modern days where social equality is expected of all races, religions and
sexualities, we must be careful of those who pose as a threat to our community.
We cannot go about blinded and oblivious to the ways of The Gingers. These
red-haired demons have been running amuck since the very first day of creation.
Their scientifically proven mutated genes are enough to bring in hard, physical
evidence of their deviant behavior. The only way to keep our families and
generations to come safe is by advocating the final solution.
Times
have changed, creating a world where diversity in not uncommon, where children
are exposed to the most vile of things, and where parents live in constant fear
of the dangers lurking on the streets. How can they send their own blessed
children to a school infested with Gingers? It is difficult to turn a cold
shoulder to the frightened, innocent eyes of the brown or blonde haired boys
and girls who cower and quiver from even the slightest touch of a colored
haired child. How can we deny them of a bright and safe future? The horrors they
endure everyday, be it in the classroom or playground, are none like any other
human being has had to withstand before. It is now certain that with each
giving day, the growing 4% of the Ginger population is becoming increasingly
infectious and contagious. Research done by the prominent scientists of the
deserts of Saudi Arabia, the most heavily populated, red-headed area in the
world, has shown that the cause of this disease is actually from a genetic
mutation of the MC1R gene; melanocortin-1 receptor. This newly found
“Gingervitus” is the core of our problems, but is one that would take great
advancements in technology and larger donations to the GDWS (Ginger Day Walker
Society). During a presentation done by Cartman on South Park,
he goes into great lengths explaining the details of this disease. He
furthermore classifies the species into two groups: The Gingers and Day
Walkers. When encountering one of such, make sure to be able to differentiate
between the two. The characteristics common to both are the stark white skin,
pale or colorless and bottomless eyes, and flaming red hair. Be careful to
notice the dirt-like freckles spotted upon the Day Walker’s face. Each cursed mark on their face is a
representation of a soul they have stolen. Their empty bellies crave to be
filled with fleshy souls. They rendezvous in the midst of the night to plot
their devious schemes to kill and eat us so that they can have a soul of their
own. J. K. Rowling’s dementors from her famous series, Harry Potter, are closely related in which they too feed off the
spirits of honest witches and wizards. A more uncommonly known, distant cousin
of the Ginger is Count Dracula of Transylvania
who had included his relative, the Ginger Bread Man, in his last will. This
rare piece of information has backed up the theory of red-haired vampires. It
all fits together; Gingers have been known to be sensitive to the sun and
therefore only leave their lairs in the night. The smell of their singeing skin
in the delicate UV rays is proof alone of their association with the creatures
of the night.
“It
is observed that the red-haired of both sexes are more libidinous and
mischievous than the rest…,” Jonathan Swift shares his view on Gingers in part
four of Gulliver’s Travels (“A Voyage
to the Country of the Houyhnhnms”). What Swift may not have realized at the
time is how accurate he was. Just like their flaming hair, the fiery temper of
one Ginger alone is enough to destroy an entire Spartan army. Each follicle is
capable of burning down vast structures in long periods of time ranging from
3.0973 nanoseconds to 5.86 milliseconds.
The Ginger was at fault for destroying the Mayan civilization and
leaving its beautifully designed temples and shrines in shambles with only
ruins left to explore. As human beings, we give everything in this world a
symbolic meaning, even the colors of which we associate things. Red is
customarily correspondent to the devil, Satan himself. As we already know, Ireland and Australia are the actual homes of
the devil and hold an immense amount of red haired folks. In fact, flame
colored haired thieves who had stolen the fires of hell were to be burned as
witches during the Spanish Inquisition. Furthermore, it is important to make
use of all our resources and collect the beneficial parts of a Ginger instead
of leaving them to rot like spoiled tomatoes. The fat of a redheaded man was a
key ingredient for poison in the 16th century. More specific cases
of Gingervitus had been monitored closely in some famous Gingers.
Since
the beginning of time, Gingers have displayed their irrational and demonic
behavior. When God created Adam, He had measured the exact proportions of sugar
and spice and everything nice, but when God realized that man needed a
companion, his ratios were disproportionate; he spilled too much chemical-X.
From this experiment came Eve, the first of The Gingers. She was out to destroy
mankind from the moment she stepped foot in the Garden of Eden. Eve was the
definition of sin, a temptress. Many are under the common misconception that
women are man’s downfall, but if Eve had, for instance, soothing, light purple
hair, she would have portrayed characteristics of a suitable wife and would not
have possessed a fiery temper of a Ginger. Do not be fooled. This was only the
beginning stage of Gingervitus, for God had given her a soul. It had not been
until the mermaid princess Ariel had sold her soul to Ursula in exchange for
her voice that God took away their rights have souls. These spiritless
creatures freely roamed the earth and took the name Neanderthals. Gene specialists found the MC1R gene in
Neanderthal remains linking the two species together at last. Going up the timeline of malicious Gingers
and Day Walkers brings us to (in chronological order): Esau, Jesus, Vincent van
Gogh, Ronald Weasley, Chuckie, and finally Ed Sheeran. It is our job to make it
stop there.
With the Age of
Redness nearing, there is not much time left until the Ginger Apocalypse, which
is why we must take it under our control to put the final solution into play.
We cannot wait until it is too late, when Gingers start oozing out from the
deepest pores of the earth, when their very presence is able to turn our
friends and family into the devil himself, and when the sun explodes into
millions of literally flaming redheads. The first drastic step that must be
taken is to log onto your nearest computer and join The Ginger Apocalypse is
Coming! Facebook group. The next vital step is to put an end to their ‘strength
in numbers’ method. The end goal is to achieve extermination and the most
efficient way to do so is by sending groups of Gingers to local bakeries. Mass
production of gingerbread houses and cookies is essential. Additional strays
will be sent to live in ghettos apart from normal civilization. Schools must
engage in the segregation of colored (haired) people. It seems to be a highly
sensible act to segregate schools because when the mutants are integrated with
healthy children, they are unable to socialize in a normal manner. Take Ronald
Weasley; he had only made two friends
at Hogwarts…a pity. Any household with Ginger slaves should not permit them to
use the same washroom and ensure that all property be placed at the back of
buses. Together we can put a stop to this madness.
With our world as we know it coming to an
abrupt halt, the realization of the weight of this apocalypse is undeniable.
God had clearly been faulty and going to Him for future hair coloring would be
irrational. To keep the young ones safe, the GDWS has started distributing
vaccines for prevention of the fatal and chronic Gingervitus disease. The day
will come when Gingers will be eradicated, and brunettes and blondes will reign
once again.
Works
Cited
Swift,
Jonathan. Gulliver’s Travels. Edited by Herbert Davis. Oxford: Basil Blackwell, 1965.
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