A Proposal (Satire)

A Proposal to Protect our Citizens

By Mark Steiner

In the wake of the tragedy at Sandy Hook, it is clear our country needs change. Too many times, armed intruders have walked into our schools and places of business unopposed and proceeded to murder so many of our fellow citizens. How many times will we as a nation allow this to happen? How many more students, teacher, parents and siblings need to be martyred before we enact change? I say the time for change is now. The solution is simple. The only way to keep our people, especially our children, safe, is to arm every teacher, shopkeeper, sanitation worker and crossing guard around us. That way, whenever the need arises, a loosely trained defender will be nearby. In order to keep our society safe from gun violence, we must put guns in the hands of those we trust most: government workers.

            Let us dissect the problem. It is certainly impossible to keep guns away from those who shouldn’t have them. Yes, other nations don’t see nearly as much gun related violence as we do, but that’s because they have fascist laws that infringe on the unalienable right of every man, woman and child to carry around deadly weaponry. In America, the greatest, most infallible country on earth, we recognize that anyone who wants to be able to spit hot lead at a rate of 850 rounds per minute has the right to. (Anyone who says otherwise is a left wing baby-killer.) But every right can be abused. It happens all too often. This summer, In Aurora, Colorado, a moviegoer apparently (and understandably) didn’t like t the latest Batman movie. He took out his frustration by firing indiscriminately on innocent, defenseless moviegoers. No member of any political party would disagree that anyone who cannot wait until he gets to the firing range to take out his anger should not be trusted with a weapon. More than a decade earlier, in Columbine, Colorado, a disturbed student took similar action against his colleagues and teachers. (To clarify, the fact that both of these incidents happened in a state with some of the most relaxed gun laws in the country is a coincidence.) The only way to balance the dangers of guns placed in the wrong hands with every American’s constitutional right to bear arms, is more guns.  The great Mao Zedong once said, “War can only be abolished through war, and in order to get rid of the gun, it is necessary to take up the gun.” This wisdom can and should be applied throughout our society.

Since everyone unquestionably should have access to firearms, it is imperative that we protect our citizens. In anticipation of these terrible attacks, we must make sure that all the “good guys” have guns as well. I propose that every government and state worker be required to carry a firearm.  If every teacher at Sandy Hook elementary school carried a 9mm Glock or at least a Walther-Style .32 Caliber handgun, I’m sure the students would have been much safer. Think about it: who wouldn’t trust a teacher, in a room full of toddlers, with the same type of pistol that militaries around the world use? And it’s not like the gun would ever be used in the wrong ways. After all, teachers are always sane, responsible, and cool-headed. I for one have never seen a teacher lose their temper, act inappropriately, or get angry at a student for no reason. If we can’t trust our teachers, whom can we trust? And even if the weapons fall into the hands of the children themselves, we have no reason to fear: one of the founding fathers of modern psychology, Erik Erikson, would agree that children can tell right from wrong by the age of 5 or 6. Therefore, if the classroom firearms do fall into the children’s’ hands during an emergency, we can trust that they will be used responsibly.  After all, when Katie cuts the snack line, she’s asking for it.

The classroom is a special case, but the mandate should extend to all government workers. When a garbage truck rolls by in the early in the morning, citizens should be sure that if a gunman appears, sanitation workers will be able to draw their pieces and subdue the threat. In the future, all a citizen would have to do when violence breaks out is locate the nearest garbage truck. What could be more comforting? Furthermore, Policemen and soldiers already carry weapons. Why not extend those privileges (and responsibilities) to crossing guards? Who better to help our children cross the street than Mr. Colt himself?

Additionally, it should be required that all business owners have at least one firearm on the premise, for the defense of the citizens nearby. How many deaths would have been prevented at the theater in Aurora, had the bouncers been armed? Even though the perpetrator only began the attack once he was inside the theater, the lights were dark, and all the cinema staff was gone, no one would argue that having a trusty Remington 12-Gauge under the ticket counter wouldn’t have helped the situation. And again, we need not worry about the guns themselves being misused or falling into the wrong hands. Movie theaters in particular are known for their tight security. Kids can barely make it into an R-rated movie these days.

Some left wing nuts, in an attempt to sway public opinion surrounding how effective this proposal would be, may claim that training all these personnel in the use of firearms would be too costly and troublesome. Fear not: since in most cases, no formal training is required for the purchase of a gun, it wouldn’t take much to prepare our new sentinels to counter the average gunman. Spending an hour playing Call of Duty ought to be enough.

            “A polite society is an armed society”(Heinlein). In order to reconcile the unalienable right to bear arms with the dangers of guns falling into the wrong hands we must arm those we can trust. By putting a trusty pistol in the hands of every shopkeeper, traffic guard, utility worker and English teacher, we can prevent the next Sandy Hook. It’s time to fight fire with firearms.

Bibliography

Erikson, Erik. Identity, Youth, and Crisis. 1. New York: Norton, 1968. Print.

Heinlein, Robert. Beyond This Horizon. New York: Fantasy Press, 1942. Print.