Monday, April 8, 2013

Beauty Queens (Satire)



 “Our task must be to free ourselves by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature and its beauty.”
-Albert Einstein

Beauty Queens
By Talia Malekan

For centuries, society has been centered on a most important axis, rotating around what is perhaps the essential governing requirement of existing on this earth as a member of what Charles Darwin speculated to be a race of the fittest, that is, Beauty. Tracing as far back to the ancient Greeks and continuing on until today, a communally shared objective has been to achieve the most absolute state of Beauty. But how does one define Beauty? Is Beauty marked by perfect skin and long straight hair that flows down to the waist, by deep blue eyes and clear wrinkle-less complexions? Or might I challenge us all and ask if real and true Beauty is derived from an internal state of being, from what the very famous Jane Eyre thinks of as the human being’s sense of humanity and integrity, compassion and humility? I write this proposal with the intention of discarding the silliness that surrounds the academic’s view of Beauty. Let’s not be foolish here since I think that as much as we all venture down the path of making up excuses for the less-fortunate looking, we must face ourselves in the mirror soon-after; we must admit that nothing trumps the outer physical perfection of Beauty.  Why else have we gone to such lengths to showcase and advertise these ideal qualities in the media that permeates through our culture, coloring our everyday lives and providing the young, unarmed eye with a totalizing vision of what it truly means to be beautiful. We all know this, each of us has come to recognize it on our own terms. Why else would Victoria’s Secret lingerie catalogue be the most coveted read? Why else are Vogue fashion magazines interpreted as equaling the Bible in stature and privilege by the most prestigious members of human society? Why else, I ask, is the Marc Jacobs runway the place where the best and the brightest are now applying to trumpet their great achievements after finishing their college educations? In purchasing new trending clothing each season, layering the best of MAC and Este Lauder makeup and trying to achieve a perfect figure, teenage girls are beginning to fix themselves in working towards becoming models and actresses rather than excessively read doctors and pedantic educators. To avoid the absurd expectation that children and young female adults strive for anything further than the perfect look, what would be an egregious potential error on the part of the American nation, we should institute a televised show that will be followed closely by millions in which little girls are dressed up by their parents and entered into beauty pageants.
            The benefits of such a television show would be numerous and are obvious. I will list them anyway in case a lay reader finds his way to this proposal. The argument is simple and cogent—everyone knows that as children grow up they are already competing for beauty, so what better way than to start young with the accompaniment of parents, a definite competitive edge. By signing up to be on the show, girls from the ages four to seven will be able to compete on live television. Here they will be judged on the basis of their talent, personality and most importantly their Beauty. Children must be entered by a parent, which will ensure their safety and surely counteract any possible negative side effects of their exposure to the public. Their fake eyelashes, spray tans, extensions and appointments, all scheduled with their parent’s permission, will ensure complete mental stability and even intellectual growth.  Although some children will not feel special enough to enter, recognizing that they have not been naturally endowed with the most acceptable combination of Beauty traits, the show will afford these otherwise social outcasts the opportunity to be proactive in matters concerning their lives. America is all about the Jeffersonian principle of working your way up! If you are an alcoholic, you are expected to attend AA, if you are schizophrenic, then get on those antipsychotics, and so this logical thread leads us to my exact conclusion: if you are an unseemly and unkempt small girl, you must enter a beauty pageant. Any children who have excessive doubt will have to trust in their parent’s intuition which will serve them higher good in the long run. After all, they will be beauty queens and this is something that has been naturally inherited in the blueprints of their genes and defined by the very existence of their second X chromosome. Widely accepted for their physical attractiveness, adolescents emulating beauty standards has become a fact of nature and should, therefore, be exhibited and venerated at any given opportunity.
 In addition to having the opportunity to compete on live television, these young ladies will also be eligible to win large financial rewards. Families from all over the country will be able to compete, no matter how rich or poor they may be. Low-income families can enlist their daughters into these pageants too! We certainly do not discriminate in matters of allotting financial aid to Beauty pageant winners. Although each family will be directing its income towards dressing up its daughter and making her appear older and more ideal, each young lady will have a whopping near two percent chance of winning! As Honey Boo Boo once taught us all, “I want to win because I want to win money. A dollar make me holler Honey Boo Boo Child.” Like our exemplary starlet Honey Boo Boo, these young girls will be overwhelmed with supernatural Beauty that captures the viewers’ hearts with the help of their dazzling appearances and irresistible charms. Viewers will be able to worship these young girls’ qualities that may not be artificially contrived, as they strive for sparkly crowns, lots of cash and huge titles. With the help of golden curls, hot-pink nails and cherry-colored lips, there is no telling to who can rise to the top.
In the end, we must always refer to those principles that have guided us most efficiently through centuries of successful living. Animals are already ahead of us in their selection for the best traits. Female peacocks choose mates based on which males display the most elaborate plumage and so it follows that human males judge similar physical attributes in choosing mates. We must recognize these facts and act accordingly. Good parents are prepared parents—let us all invest in the future of our young girls, fostering the most important virtue they can ever hope to acquire—true outward Beauty.

                                    Works Cited
http://www.ruthlessreviews.com/12921/toddlers-and-tiaras-honey-boo-boo-child/

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